It’s been a while. Hello there.
A lot is my fault – I have been so caught up in work, I have not been able to pay full attention to this blog, or any of my blogs.
But anyway, apologies are in order.
A lot has been happening with Karan. He’s got his summer vacations now, and is fully installed at home with my mother. Perhaps I need to remind her this blog exists, because she, not I, will be able to tell you more about what’s happening with him right now.
He’s 16 as you know, and it’s now showing through facial hair growth. I think he’s going to have to learn how to shave soon. Not looking forward to that…feels daunting. Not that I’ll be doing that, since I’m not at home very much.
Last night I came home early and curled up with a book on the sofa, and he sat next to me, with his head on my shoulder. I missed him and I felt gratified to know he missed me enough to want to cuddle up next to me for a bit (in 10-15 minutes his attention wandered and he walked off haha).
While he sat there, tranquil, as I read my book, I felt a bit sad. Like I haven’t done enough. I remembered some of my Gappa’s last words to my mother: “I’m sorry I didn’t do enough for Karan.” I felt like that last night. I think I have tried, as much as I can, to do enough for him. I know I am limited by time constraints, like a 9-6 job for example, and having my own life outside of my home, but that doesn’t make me feel okay about it I think.
So I try and contribute by helping spread the word about autism and special needs-related events, I try and find things my brother can go to, like his painting classes with START, or finding places where he can get evaluated and get more therapy. Things like that.
Spreading awareness where I can.
It’s been harder lately, again because of time constraints, but I do try.
Even so, I feel like I need to apologise…not to anyone else, but to Karan.
I’m sorry Karan, because I wish I could do more. I love you fatso.
3 thoughts on “Apologies in many forms”
We’re so awfully hard on ourselves. I tie myself up in knots worrying that I don’t do enough for my son. My head knows that we are only capable of doing so much, but my heart says otherwise XXX
Every time I come here, I read a post that seems to have been written by me. I too feel this guilt when it comes to my brother, especially because I know that I’m probably going to have to move away from him , maybe even sometime soon. I got into LSE for my Master’s earlier this year but decided to defer the offer mainly because I am not sure I want to move that far away from home. I know that I am definitely going to be living away from home by next summer, either studying or working, but I just cannot wrap my mind around it. Even if I move across the country, it’s probably going to hit my brother hard. I know that you have lived away from Karan before. How was that experience for him? And do you ever feel selfish for paying more attention to your life (because I sometimes do)? Also, I read in one of your posts about Karan’s usage of iPad. My parents are planning to buy one for my brother and I wanted to know if the specialised apps for autistic children are useful for the non-verbal ones too. How exactly do the kids use them?
Hi NavThanks for stopping by and apologies for the delay in responding – I’ve been really tied up at work and have been ignorning my blogs for a bit.I hope you see this comment and if you do, I’d urge you to email me at contact[at]devinadivecha[dot]com because I’d like to think we can talk to each other and help each other out since we get what it’s like being in the situation we are. Anyway, living away from Karan: He was a bit disturbed initially in that he couldn’t find me around the house, and had to make do with Skype calls (And he didn’t want to look at the computer screen much anyway) and he’d get upset initially when he heard my voice etc. But he got used to it and eventually he realised I’d be coming and going.Do I feel selfish? Yes, I used to. Now I don’t. I’ve realised that while I love him and while I will always be there for him, I need to live my own life as well. It’s not wrong to be happy. It’s not wrong to have your own life away from him. It’s not wrong to be your own person apart from being his sister. It took me a while to realise it but I urge you to do so. Don’t miss out on your life. Oh make the sacrifices now and then but don’t let anything get in the way of say education or career. You need to build yourself up now – when you’re older and have more responsibilities, perhaps including his, you will not be your own person. Live your life as much as you can now. That’s my advice.Well, the iPad is going slow with him but it’s had more success with other kidsm including non-verbal (Karan is non-verbal). It’s got really good flash card apps and stuff … if you email me I can send links where you can research more.